"Follow Me"

And so my mom looks at me and says "You know, maybe you are meant to give everything away and God doesn't want you to take a lot with you." That has been my thought from the beginning and a reason for getting rid of all of my "stuff." I knew I was ok with being poor, but didn't think my mom would be a fan - and would worry too much about me. Apparently I underestimated her faith - once again.


I had originally thought that selling the condo would give me some extra money to bank - in case I needed it. But there is something to be said for "the security to be insecure". Just as I was advised to "have something else in place before you resign from your job" I have always had a foot in each world - one foot in a world reliant on God for my daily bread, and the other foot in a world that says - "Don't be foolish, have something to fall back on" (Why? in case God is not faithful? in case God is not my security? in case the words I have staked the next leg of my journey on turn out to be false or Jesus wasn't serious?


"Sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me."


So Jesus doesn't really say "love me" or "worship me" or "believe in me" as much as He clearly tells us "follow Me". But that is the difficulty. I can probably believe, worship, and love but find it so difficult to "follow" Him, and do what He did, because I know it will ask too much of me. I know it will ask everything of me - and I have one foot in another camp. I am not even sure what it means to follow Jesus - though I am learning day by day.


Ashley Barker is a young man from New Zealand. He, his wife and young family lived and worked among the poor in New Zealand before moving to the slums of Thailand - his whole family! He writes in his book entitled "Surrender All":


"If following Jesus is the WAY, yet we try to hedge our bets following "society's dream", we will undermine our Christian witness to our families and undermine their foundation for life. There is no way to have both. I believe the world doesn't need more billionaires, but it does need more people to live like Jesus. Only by being willing to follow Jesus with our whole hearts can we pass this on to our children. They will smell a rat if we don't. Living the Western consumer dream robs children of what this life can mean for them. I for one will trust this (God's) promise above those of the banks, political parties and multinational companies. Life is full of tough choices. God promises however, that in choosing to stand with the poor we can live deep lives in a shallow world and have all we really need. Is that enough for us? "

I can't have it both ways. But it is difficult to put all my eggs in one basket. Little by little I hope I can move towards a life of faith and follow the One who walked(s) before us. I hope to one day be able to jump with both feet, knowing that I am not alone. It is the journey of faith. It excites me more than anything else I can imagine.

to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God

What a difference a couple of days make. Suddenly I have no response when someone asks "What do you do?" or "Where do you work?" It is a different feeling today than yesterday. Not only is there the financial stuff that comes with joblessness but there is an ego shift in not having a job to help define me. I took a lot of pride in what I did - and with that pride, a lot of ego. In the first half of life, we work and build our "tower", especially men I think. We take genuine pride in our work, providing for our families, doing a good job. All of these things are necessary and I believe a mature step in our development. In the second half of life, at least for me, I find a definite need to let go of those things that have "defined" me and have fed my ego. I am grateful for the opportunity to go on this journey and know that many would like to be able to do the same thing. It just seems that the timing is right for me. I am not forgetting that is because of many of you (friends and family), that I am able to think about journeying like this at all!

In the movie (I have mentioned before and encouraged you NOT to rent) Fight Club, Tyler Durden's dialogue goes something like this:

"You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are not how much money is in your wallet. You are not your @#$! khakis. "

"The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything. " (Didn't St. Francis say this too!)

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time! "

So, again - don't rent the movie. It will offend you and make you wonder about me!! But some of the dialogue really hits home for me. The things I do, the things I own, define(d) me. It is my hope, as a by-product of this adventure, that I will be redefined, reborn in a way. If I can get to place, as much as one can, where I have to rely on God for my daily bread, for my safety, for my identity, I will be so grateful and, I believe, very happy. But, as we all know, there is pain with any birth or rebirth. There is no Resurrection without death, no room for the Spirit if there has not been a clearing of space in which the Spirit can reside. Everything is passing away, everything dies. "Even the sun dies" I rejoice in this opportunity and am happy to be a part of this ancient pattern and mystery. If the Trinity is "a dance" which I believe the Trinity is, then I want to enter that dance and be taken away in the flow of life and love that is available to us all.

A friend sent me this quote that was reprinted in Shane's book "The Irresistable Revolution" I like it a lot.

What is, therefore, our task today? Shall I answer: “Faith, hope and love”? That sounds beautiful. But I would say - courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature…we lack a holy rage - the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth…a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God’s earth, and the destruction of God’s world. To rage when little children must die of hunger when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and against the madness of militaries. To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God.

Source: Danish pastor killed by the Gestapo in 1944, via The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

Update

My departure date is set for September 4th. I fly to London (thanks Mark) and leave for Nairobi the following day via British Air. My return flights are set for March 5th - assuming all goes well. Nyumbani is agreeable and will send a car for me in September! I can't wait. My sons are coming soon to take some of the downstairs furniture and my daughter will take some of the upstairs stuff. That helps a lot. Still praying for sale of the condo.

I found a PDF file that explains a little more about activities in the Nyumbani Village in Kitui. If you get time - check out NYUMBANI VILLAGE. It is about 17 pages and has some newspaper articles attached.

I have been reading more. Fred gave me a book - Peace Pilgrim - which has been great for me. I am also getting through Ron Rolheiser's Holy Longing and have started trying to follow a more structured regiment of morning and evening prayer using The Glenstal Book of Benedictine Prayer (Thanks J!). All of these have been great for me and help fill in the absence of Cable TV!

Carry Me On My Way

I wish you could meet Fred. As most of you know, I am an only child, spoiled rotten by beautiful parents who loved me well. Fred (and John) were the brothers I never had. John died too soon on Loveland Bike Trail, some years ago. So Fred and I are the only ones left of the "brothers". The picture to the left shows John, Fred and one of our Monk friends - taken so many years ago at Gethsemani.

Fred, of all, knows me, understands me and helped to get me where I am today. He and I used to talk about the Gospel, living a simple life for and with the poor, talked about living downtown, walking the streets and being Jesus for those we met and seeing Jesus in their faces. That was probably twenty-five years ago! We watched our children grow from infants to young adults. We traveled the country together, playing music, talking about God and our shared life in community. Many years ago, he and I went to Gethsemani. Late one night, while staying in Merton's Hermitage, we read out loud, Merton's poem for his brother - who died in the war.

For My Brother, Reported Missing in Action, 1943

Sweet brother, if I do not sleep

My eyes are flowers for your tomb;
And if I cannot eat my bread,
My fasts shall live like willows where you died.
If in the heat I find no water for my thirst,
My thirst shall turn to springs for you, poor traveler.
Where, in what desolate and smoky country,
Lies your poor body, lost and dead?
And in what landscape of disaster
Has your unhappy spirit lost its road?
Come, in my labor find a resting place
And in my sorrows lay your head,
Or rather take my life and blood
And buy yourself a better bed --
Or take my breath and take my death
And buy yourself a better rest.
When all the men of war are shot
And flags have fallen into dust,
Your cross and mine shall tell men still
Christ died on each, for both of us.
For in the wreckage of your April Christ lies slain,
And Christ weeps in the ruins of my spring;
The money of Whose tears shall fall
Into your weak and friendless hand,
And buy you back to your own land:
The silence of Whose tears shall fall
Like bells upon your alien tomb.
Hear them and come: they call you home.

Fred's own brother had died accidentally many years ago so you can understand the special meaning of this poem. We placed a copy of the poem with John at his funeral, along with selected items from Merton's Hermitage we had saved. I remember those times at Mertons Hermitage in Gethsemani, sipping Makers Mark from tin camping cups and we even heisted some "holy ground" to bring home from our visit.

So I tell you all this to let you know that Fred came over for dinner the other night - my good brother who taught me and walked with me. He brought with him the two tin cups for Makers Mark. He brought some "holy ground" from Merton's place which we placed on the St. Joseph statue in the yard - trying to sell the damn condo. He brought a James Taylor song and book. He remembered! His visit brings everything full circle in a way. I am convinced that my brother is not only a gift from God - he is the presence of God.

Things are falling into place. Those whom I loved in the past are coming together with those in my life now. I am left with only gratitude and humility.

Here is the James Taylor song Fred brought:

I forget what to ask for

There isn't anything I haven`t been given
How could I wish for anything more

As I am here living in heaven

This moment in the sun

To feel the wheel turning on

Carry me on my way

Carry me on my way

Carry me on my way

Carry me on my way

I worry about my actions

I think about the damage I do

I've seen the coming attractions

Armageddon and Waterloo

I tried to change my mind

I wasted precious time

Who knows where the time goes

Only everything is everything

Feels like I`m wearing my father`s clothes

Singing a song my brother would sing

I turned to hide my face

They`re gone without a trace

With wisdom, power and love

I am sure that the full impact of departing my work will not sink in for a while. The last days were sweet and affirming. I am filled with the generosity of people, the tenderness of my staff and parents and struck by the freedom with which the younger kids give away their love and kindness. The days could not have been better and I am grateful to those who kept to my wishes of ending the year as we always have. In a year filled with some "drama", the last days were appropriate and, I hope, Spirit-filled.

I am trying to set up an account for those who want to communicate with me during my time away and who have expressed wishes to contribute financially to the projects with which I am involved. This blog will be a good place to get the word out - at least until I leave in early September.

Those who know me, know my love for contemplation, prayer and silence. Those who know me well know the dangers I could face in running to the silence and solitude, as a way to avoid the "real" and the messy. I have been toying with the idea of trying to integrate a communal life in Africa with a contemplative life. On prior trips to the monastery, I asked myself if a contemplative lifestyle would be one I was called to. Always, the answer was a firm "Heck no!" I graduated from Xavier long ago with a Theology degree, begging the question - "So you want to be a priest?" Again the answer "Heck no!" I joined an intentional lay community when I was younger because I believed in the gift of community and lived a shared lifestyle for many years. But - there was always that desire to also have a life of structured prayer. The monks live daily with a WORK and PRAY lifestyle. I like that - add to it a strong community and I think I could get use to it. So, what I am thinking - as I learn more about what my situation may be in Kitui, I might try to structure my days more in the tradition of that WORK and PRAY lifestyle. With no electricity in the Village, I am guessing things wrap up when the sun goes down. What an opportunity to pray the sun up and pray the sun down each day. I have hoped for another or someone to share this adventure, so maybe there will be some communal aspect to the life in the Village - either with the residents or the volunteers. Who knows what God has planned.

So . . . I am just in the beginning thoughts of integrating prayer and contemplation in Africa. My friends in New Mexico do it well - at the Center for Action and Contemplation. They have the right idea. Not knowing what I will find when I head to Africa, it is hard to imagine the life and much, I am sure, has to be free-flowing and I need a "play-it-by-ear" mentality. But as we head to Gethsemani for a few days next week, there are some things I can keep in mind. If there is one thing I know for sure - I need a prayer life to keep moving. It is a gift of the Spirit that I could loose if it is not used.

It takes a VILLAGE

I received some more info on life in the Nyumbani Village - 3 hours from Nairobi. Some of the friends I met when I visited Nairobi put together a manual of things one should know before coming to Kitui. Here is a sample:

"The variety of work that needs to be done is endless. There is a lot of manual labour which is performed by the volunteers. Activities in the past have included building chicken coops, beekeeping, dairy farming, picking maize, etc. There is help needed in the school which houses children in standards one to four and with organizing and supervising children's activities. Because of the growing nature of the village it is impossible to predict what each volunteer's specified duties will be, therefore flexibility is needed. Past volunteers have found working in the village to be very rewarding.

There is no electricity and limited running water in the Village. Volunteers typically work from 8am to 5pm Monday to Friday with weekends off.

Accommodations - houses located on the Village property. Each house contains 3-4 rooms, each volunteer has their own room (provided space is available) with a twin bed. Each room has a bathroom with a pit toilet. When running water is available there is a tap located outside of the house which can be used for bathing, washing clothes, etc (but not drinking).

Meals are prepared for the staff and volunteers in the area next to the kitchen. There is limited opportunity to purchase food at local vendors as transportation is very limited and the nearest town is about a three hour walk from the Village. There are also no cooking facilities located in the volunteer cottages. Volunteers must also purchase drinking water before heading up to the Village as there is no suitable drinking water. Volunteers will have the opportunity to purchase any food, water, or supplies in Karen (where Nyumbani Children's Home is located) before they are transported to the Village.

Laundry -hand-wash clothes over the designated washing stations. Volunteers will need to purchase their own laundry detergent before arriving at the Village.

Transport to and from any of the towns near the Village is very limited. Volunteers may ride along with drivers who are running errands but this would need to be arranged with Nicholas Makau, the village manager.

Medical Care - Volunteers are provided with the medical care available here at Nyumbani Village. If you are feeling ill, need a blood sample, or just need to speak to a nurse one can be found at the sick room.

Malaria - is a major concern when working at the Village so all precautions must be taken. You should consult with your doctor about which malaria medication is best suited for you. You must bring a mosquito net and repellent in order to minimize your chances of contracting malaria. If all precautions are taken, contracting malaria should not be a major issue. However, malaria is a serious disease and if you are experiencing symptoms see a nurse and get a blood test performed immediately.

Communications - There is no access to computers or email at the Village and the best way to stay in touch with others is to purchase a cell phone. You can mail letters at the post office but it is very expensive to mail or receive packages. "

So there you have it - things are getting more serious and I couldn't be more excited about getting started. I am trusting that things will move along with the sale of my condo soon. I pray daily for this and ask for your prayers as well.

Enough

Tough week. Things are winding down at work and the emotions sometimes get the better of me. It is more sweet than sad. Even with the emotion connected with moving on and leaving students and staff, parents and all - it is more humbling than anything else. We have tried to keep the focus on closing down the year in the normal way. So far, with a few exceptions, we have succeeded. Four and a half days left with students. The year always ends quickly but this year - even faster. We find ourselves checking things off the list. "Ok - graduation - done." "What's next?" It's really the only way to proceed - just do it.

Three eighth grade students went around to sing "farewell" to some of us - teachers, staff. I can't describe how much it meant to me when they came to my office and sang. I tried to tell them how much it meant yesterday at graduation - but it can't be conveyed with words. I also tried to speak to the eighth graders, the words that had changed my life when I heard them as a young man - "The Good News." I tried to tell them that, especially in their high school years, they would hear a lot of "bad news" - namely that they were not handsome enough, or smart enough. The world would try to tell them they weren't athletic enough, not pretty enough or tall enough. Whatever. I told the eighth grade class that those are all lies and they needed to listen to me (to us). The Good News is that "they are ENOUGH" and that they are loved unconditionally, and forever. What else could be Good News? This morning I tried to tell myself the same thing. I am enough. Hopefully I/we have been given all the gifts I need to do whatever in the world I am going to do. Where I am not enough, I hope to be in touch with the One powerful enough, my All in All.

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to heading to the Monastery at Gethsemani for a few days. I long for quiet and space. Chris is going with me. He's quiet. . . most of the time! The Monastery has been just that - a cloister, a place away from noise and distractions where I can experience "God Alone".

Alone in God
My soul waits, silent.
My help is from Him.
Alone in God
rest, my soul, in silence.
My hope is from Him.
He alone is my rock, my safety;
I shall not be shaken. PS 62, V2

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

Please do not think that because there are no words written lately, that life has slowed or that I do not remain thought-filled and awestruck. As you can imagine, things are nuts at this time of the year. Goodbyes, "last this" and "last that" and emotions go beyond words. I walk the halls at work, as if in a dream sometimes, my mind racing and my emotions so close to the surface - so close that they can be summoned at the least little memory or thought. But in the end - it is all good and tells me how deeply I am in love and in touch (although in a crazy way).

I thought that my weekend would be filled with work for upcoming work events but things are not ready for me to do the work needed so I find myself with a "free" Saturday.

In "Fight Club", my favorite movie, the film rails against the corporate world and jokes about living on "Planet Starbucks". For me, Starbucks has been this yuppie symbol that I have too tightly embraced. It was at Starbucks that I initially and faithfully read "The Irresistible Revolution" and wept while reading about the poor and dredging up old community memories. It was at Starbucks that I met friends to discern what in the world I was going to do with my life. And it was at Starbucks early this morning that I sat and read Merton and Nouwen's words about solitude, compassion and zen. God uses everything. God blurs the lines between the secular and the sacred. God uses, even my caffeine addiction and support of huge corporations to teach me. Crazy how God is. (BTW - Don't see "Fight Club" on my recommendation. Chance are you'll be offended and see too much about my warped personality!)

So I have been thinking about the search for God. I focus my gaze beyond and across the continents. I search for God in the disguise of the poor and the humble. I search for God in bread and wine. I look to the wise ones who have gone before us and have taken their words as mine. I look to the flower petals and the fingerprints and solar system and morning breeze. I looked to quantum physics and heart beats. I find awe in bird nest and starlight. As I venture to the other side of the earth, I am convince that God is not to be found there any more than God is to be found so close to me that I cannot see God - only know God's presence in you, in me. I need to wake up. When I stop looking - - God disappears.

A "Purple Haze"

The days at work are a mixture of a strange, surrealistic funk - coupled with a tremendous amount of work yet to do as things wind down. My replacement came to visit - which is a good thing for all but I was not prepared for the feelings that are accompanying turning things over to someone else, not just temporarily, but forever. It wasn't particularly sad, not particularly happy - just plain weird. I am sure my replacement will experience similar emotions at his end and at his place.

So - now if God is leading us, which I am convinced He is - then I need to stay in the Flow and continue to be taken along in this breeze of the Spirit and trust. The condo needs to go and my car lease is up in June. Once those things are taken care of I can relax and concentrate on the next steps of preparing to move after the summer. There is no fear in heading for Kenya, only a worry about those I leave here. I am glad that the length of my stays there will be relatively short and I can have time to process, re-choose and connect often with home. Kitui does not have Internet access yet - but there is some cell connections which I will investigate. This would keep my connected with the states and with Nairobi. There will also be opportunities for me to come into Nairobi and the orphanage.

Sr. Julie writes about things at Nyumbani Children's Home. Mungai is getting continued care on a Cochlear Implant he received in the states. Kabena, my little artist friend is being examined for possible surgery to straighten a deformed leg (either in the states or in Nairobi). Some fo the older orphans are moving into the new "dorm-style" residences, making room for more AIDS orphans who are dying and need a spot at the orphanage. Life goes on. There were even some televised spots on Kibera on American Idol - Simon goes to Kenya! It was moving to see these places on TV that I had walked and where I have longed to work. The world becomes smaller and smaller.

In remembrance

A cold London morning, my last full day here. I am staying in Earl's Court, a place with which I am familiar and near the Tube Station and massive Internet and phone cafe. I picked up a little bug and have been dealing with it since Sunday. Probably a cold or jet lag or something. Today I promised myself I would head to the Thames and check out the walk along the river but it is fairly chilly and windy, not good for the cold or jet lag or something. I have visited most of the major sites on other visits so I am happy to sit in a pub or coffeehouse and read and write. Gone are the days of trying to jam in as many sites and sounds of London as I can before I leave. I am more relaxed and thoughtful about where and when to go. I have a day pass for the Tube and a ticket for the theatre tonight. Last night I saw The History Boys, a good play in the West End. Cheap seats in the nosebleed section but good enough. I also had the opportunity to call home and talk to mom. All is well and she was happy to hear from me, although she has been keeping up with my emails to Rachel. I also got to chat with Zac and Jonah online. I wish they were here to see some football or some shows from the local bands. They would thrive here.

I have purposely disconnected from my experience in Kenya, especially Kibera. There will be time for that later. I can't deal with that experience while trying to enter into the life here in the UK for a couple of days. I wrote tons yesterday while waiting for things to open up. The plane had landed very early from Nairobi and the Tube ride from Heathrow was very quick to Earl's Court. So I had the chance to sit for an hour in Starbucks yesterday and at least sketch out some notes so I wouldn't forget. (like I could ever forget)

I look forward to being home for Holy Thursday. Traditionally, this night has been the most powerful of all the church holidays and we (some old friends and I) have had a tradition of remembering our heroes on this night. We would drink toasts and recall their goodness, their lives and their love. It would always end up with the final cup or toast to Jesus - my hero and guide.

And so the Holy Week is even more Holy this year. So many memories, so many more heroes.

Until later. Cheers

Becoming a fan of British Air

I left Nyumbani last night. A driver took me to the airport and I sat for hours. Nairobi Airport is not that cool. Hot, dirty, smoky but once on the plane I got bumped to 1st Class! Long story that I'll share sometime. Just know that BA (British Air) is a good friend of Nyumbani and I got hooked up with one of the pilots at the Children's home. Glad to have yet another airline friend!

I arrived in London about 5:30 a.m. and took the tube to Earls Court. My room won't be ready til two so went to Starbucks (I know - it ain't the slums) and may head to the Tate Modern or some other locations downtown. I got to the British Museum when I came through on the way to Kenya and saw some great works in a special exhibit (Monet, Picasso, Seurat, Manet, Cezanne and more!) We have many of these works as prints. I wanted to take photos of them but it was frowned upon!

So . . . not sure what to share regarding the trip so far. I have written tons and will do more today since it is a beautiful, though brisk day. I'll head to the river to write. Sr. Mary, the Director of Nyumbani, suggested that I not make any decisions about where to land until I get some space, some distance from the whole experience. I have lots of thoughts but will take here advice. I know I will return to Kenya and Nyumbani, just not sure what area in particular or when. Lots depends on what is happening at home, family, condo.

Hey I met the previous Ambassador from Kenya to the United States. A great man, impressive, who is now on the board of directors since his retirement. I also have to say that I started Holy Week right with a procession and singing at the Children's Home. I also danced. "God's given me a window, and I'm beginning to see the light." I must find this song.

I already miss Kevin, Winnie, Lazurus, Moses and Kabena - all the kids I met. I will share a little sad news I discovered. Many of us (you) watched the little video clip of Nyumbani. Interviewed was a little boy convinced that he got AIDS from sniffing the glue. He could not handle believing that he contracted the disease via his mother and refused his ARV meds and nourishment. He died because of his refusal or inability to cope. I met others from the video clip who are thriving as most are at Nyumbani. It is a great place. I am sad to leave Kenya - truly but happy to be coming home. God has given me a grateful heart - so full. So good.

Peace

Mind the Gap

I made it to London in style. I have some time to hang out before my 8:00 pm flight to Nairobi. I can't explain how excited I am about this trip. Things are going swimmingly and everyone has been very supportive and understanding. I am hanging in a little internet cafe after watching the Changing of the Guard. It is the first time I actually hung around for it. Nice military band although a little weird - they played a Whitney Houston song . . . One Moment in Time. "Not that British" I would say.

Thanks to everyone who is praying for me. I have found the time to pray as well. God is good and so close. Tonight - under African skies, Chris!

Cheers.

It's a leap of faith, til we find our place, on the path unwinding . . .

On the 27th anniversary of Archbishop Romero's assasination.

Prayer of Oscar Romero :

"It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view. The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work. Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us. No statement says all that could be said. No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession brings perfection. No pastoral visit brings wholeness. No program accomplishes the Church’s mission. No set of goals and objectives includes everything. "

"This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities. We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own."

And so I am set. I fly out tomorrow - finally. Following what many would agree was a full week, I am going to attempt to leave things behind for ten days and pray that God continues to lead me to the right places in Kenya. I wish I could share with you all the beautiful notes, calls and emails I received from friends, parents, colleagues. They are the reason I am able to even think about following this call. What a gift. My own kids are doing well, a little hesitant about me traveling across the world, but supportive and understanding all the same. I told someone recently that I can't recall how I got here! I mean I can read back through the blog and see my journey but still find it difficult to believe that I have researched, planned, got shots, resigned my job, got the condo for sale, etc . . . .everything that lead me to this day. It is somewhat dream-like. I am expecting a big dose of reality once I hit Nairobi.

God is near, faithful and my companion on this journey. I can not be more filled with gratitude and joy.

I hope I can update the blog somewhere along the trip, or at least email some folks. We shall see.

The first rule of fight club . . .

"While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him."

The story of the prodigal son has many lessons in it for me but I am impressed that the story isn't big on following the rules. The "wild son" who made all the wrong turns was welcomed, embraced, kissed by the Father. I could probably say "I have tried to follow all the rules, done all the right things." But yet God seems to be at least as concerned and maybe more concerned with humility, conversion, coming home. That gives me great hope and expands the journey of life to more than "following the rules". I am not against rules. They are necessary and to be respected but I think they may be only the beginning or may be immature faith at that. They are important in the first half of life, just as rules are important for the safety of little children so they don't get hurt. Rules can be black and white and give me the illusion that I am living the Gospel because I can check them off on my righteousness scorecard. In fact, I think it is actually easier to just follow the rules than to live the Gospel and give ones' life away to others. Rules make it easier as a measuring stick to judge everyone else as to whether they are "in" or "out" depending on whether or not they follow the rules. Clearly, Jesus is less concerned with the rules and more concerned with the love one has for the other and for His Father. He is about conversion, about "dining with sinners."

“This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

Jesus always turns things around, upside down. That's what I love about Jesus!

I got together with Chris after mass today. We can talk for hours about life and stuff. What a great friend who has been listening to me ramble about my big decisions since summer! For that I am grateful. I have been trying to think about when I first had the rumblings to make a job and lifestyle change. I think it might have began sometime when Chris and I were in Europe. There was a crack in my thinking and some Light got in. Chris and I talked about life and church and God in some of the holiest and most beautiful places on earth. I believe it all began for me during those times . . . which I won't soon forget.

M stands for melancholy

My emotions continue to be at the surface. So close to tears a lot of times. It's not a bad thing and I have always been emotional. I could often feel myself tearing up when I would speak to the faculty about meaningful things or how I felt about them. Still when I think of leaving this band of saints, I get emotional. I get the same way when I think about the kids and the many good parents and friends I have made through school over the seven years. It lets me know that love runs deep and I am actually pleased at having the strong emotional feelings. Love is real. Morning rides in the car are my most vulnerable times. I am tired anyway and I probably over-think, over-dramatize things at that early hour. Melancholy is my middle name.

I can't seem to shake the warning I received early on in my discernment. "Stay away from anything heroic. It is always ego." Damn it! I keep coming back to that and am haunted by trying to separate doing what I feel called to do and what can obviously be called "ego". As a young man, and probably still now, I gained energy from creating something, or building something. A program, a process, a faculty, an award, a speech, a performance.........all these things have the possibility (especially for me) of reflecting my ego out-of-control. It may also be a "guy thing" wanting to build "my tower". I am told that that is what we often do in the first half of life - "build the tower". Guys have to do it. We long for success, to move up the ladder, strut our stuff. As an older man, I hope I am beginning to not need to build the tower and in fact plan on "jumping off that tower" hoping that God will catch me. But . . . . I see a lot of ego involved - even now. Some friends jokingly refer to me as "Fr. Teresa" and I have yet to even leave Burlington. Actually, that helps me laugh at myself and not take things too seriously. God knows me better than I know myself and will have to decipher my motives when I can't.

White smoke

Eleven days and counting until I fly out of CVG to London. There is so much left to do and only a couple of weekends to get things together. I was given a list of things to take with me to Nairobi by St. E Business Clinic - things like mosquito netting, a prescription for Cipro that I need to get filled in case of any infection or sickness, insect repellent, and basic over the counter meds like Tylenol or Pepto. The rest is mainly clothes and paper work. I can't tell you how excited I am to be going and check things out. I am feeling more at peace now that my successor has been named at work. The place will be in great hands and I couldn't be more confident in the choice.

There is a bit of distancing, on my part, going on at work. Some of the problems I encounter are seen as short term and any bigger issues for next year have to be left to the decisions of others. I have to let go. Funny, letting go has become a theme and it has worked out amazingly. Things have fallen into place. That is why I am so convinced that I am on the right path . . .if one can ever be sure. I rely on Merton's prayer"

"But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it."

Lent has been a time of letting go and letting God - allowing. A friend asked about my prayer to find a brother or someone to accompany me on this journey . . . . . nada . . . . and God continues to be my companion and guide. It's ok. I am convinced that fear is not from God and walking alone is never really walking alone. God's presence in all this has continued to be the greatest gift. That, along with the kindness of my friends and co-workers (which is actually God's presence too!)

Pin cushion

I had a great week at work. Great people and lots of energy. Someone from the parish, not a parent, stopped me to let me know they wanted to financially support me . . . just let her know where I am going to work. It is amazing sometimes, the generosity of people. I also got shots for Hepatitis A and B, Tetanus, Polio and Typhoid. I get a Yellow Fever shot on Monday, since that has the biggest possibility of some reaction. I wanted to make sure that I got all the shots I would need in case I get the opportunity of going to Kibera slums. I don't want to have to decline because I didn't have all the necessary shots.

I spent time with mom this weekend. She is doing well and excited to tell people about my journey. She is also relieved that, if I am able to go to Nyumbani, it will be for series of shorter time periods, not three years! We looked at some pictures and video clips online using my laptop at Panera! The garage is almost cleaned out so I will feel better about contacting a realtor to get the condo sold. More soon . . . .

Franciscans International in Geneva emailed me with phone numbers of a contact in Johannesburg South Africa. This is the place I was originally considering but lost touch and discovered Nyumbani in Nairobi.

I am grateful for some quiet prayer time at school each morning. I long for some time to sit, be, allow. It's great!

The poor of heart . . .

I am headed for a consultation at St. E. Travel Clinic and get my shots on Tuesday. I am not sure exactly what shots I am in for but the more I read and investigate, maybe being overly cautious is not a bad idea. I fly out of CVG to Nairobi on the 26th of March and not quite sure when I am returning. I may spend a day or two in London on my return. I love London and find it hard to just pass through the airport without stopping to say "hi".

I watched some video clips of the slums of Kibera in Nairobi. There are 1 million people living in this 2 square mile slum, not recognized by the government. No running water, sewage or garbage services. There are no paved roads. 1 out of every 4 people in Kibera is HIV positive. Thousands and thousands of orphaned children pics. Nyumbani orphanage, my destination is 15 minutes from Kibera slums. I would like to visit Kibera during my time at Nyumbani and Nairobi. Here is a Kibera link with video, pics and info.

The liturgy today spoke to me of vision - being able to see God. The Gospel reading was the Transfiguation - but more than a work of magic, or smoke and mirrors, I think it was, like everything else I am learning, a matter of "being able to see". My journey finds me longing to see the face of Jesus, the face of God, in everything but especially in the faces of the poor and suffering. I believe that is where God would be found. I am told "Blessed are the poor of heart, for they shall see God." I want that . . . and hopefully I am willing to give up everything to "see" Him.

Nairobi?

I was able to make contact with an orphanage in Nairobi. I really like the place and it seems to be involved in all the things I want to learn about. www.nyumbani.org The orphanage was started by Jesuit priest, Father Angelo D'Agostino. He founded the Nyumbani home for HIV+ abandoned children on September 8, 1992. Sadly, Fr. D'Agostino passed away in November. I was fortunate to get an email from a Nyumbani Board Member and then I received a very kind letter from Fr. D'Agostino's brother. He encouraged me to try to set up a visit to Africa. And so I am looking into the shots, the travel, and the time to visit Nairobi for about a week. It is exciting, although I don't want to get my hopes up.

I was also fortunate to have lunch with Chris and the President of the Cincinnati Health Network, an organization that provides healthcare for the homeless in Greater Cincinnati. They are involved with a number of shelters, clinics and mobile vans providing direct service to the most needy. It was a great lunch and I am grateful for the input. It helps to get an overview of the need and the possibilities.

And so I begin Lent, somewhat excited but knowing there are a lot of opportunities and some decisions to be made. It's all good!

Mercy within mercy within nercy

I am thinking that Lent is to be more important for me this year. I have been waiting and waiting for some direction. Waiting impatiently that is, until I was reminded that God’s time is not my time, as much as I would like to make it so. I guess I want quick answers and have been almost demanding that God answer me . . . and answer me now. I need to step back.

Lent has traditionally been a time when I become more aware of my own brokenness and weakness. I am learning that this “in between time” - this time of insecurity - can be a time when I allow God to be God and rest in Him. It seems that those who have suffered, those who have been humbled by their inadequacies and failings, those who have been “damaged” or hurt - actually have a head start in knowing God in a real way. They have a head start on the spiritual life. So I want to hang with those who know God and have learned to rely totally on God. The people who seem to know God most directly are the poor (in spirit or in possessions) those suffering and those who are uncomplicated in the ways of the world. I want to know what they know and rely on what they are forced to rely on. This, selfishly, has become the reason for my search. Funny though, this is the same desire I had years and years ago, even thirty years ago. It is just that the timing wasn't right. And so I look for a place to plant my life, a place where people live in a flow or power like I have never experienced. I want in on the flow. I hope to give everything away to find it. But, it is a long journey to become small, vulnerable, and weak. I have relied on myself and the culture for so long.

The Voice of God is heard in Paradise: "What was vile has become precious. What is now precious was never vile. I have always known the vile as precious: for what is vile I know not at all. What was cruel has become merciful. What is now merciful was never cruel. I have always overshadowed Jonas with My mercy, and cruelty I know not at all. Have you had sight of Me, Jonas My child? Mercy within mercy within mercy. I have forgiven the universe without end, because I have never known sin. What was poor has become infinite. What is infinite was never poor. I have always known poverty as infinite: riches I love not at all. Prisons within prisons within prisons. Do not lay up for yourselves ecstasies upon earth, where time and space corrupt, where the minutes break in and steal. No more lay hold on time, Jonas, My son, lest the rivers bear you away. What was fragile has become powerful. I loved what was most frail. I looked upon what was nothing. I touched what was without substance, and within what was not, I am.” Merton

And so I sit for forty days, before my God who ALWAYS creates something out of nothing. I pray to my God for forty days, who brings life out of what seems like death. I "know" that if there is no death, if there is no suffering, there can be no resurrection. And so I wait - but wait with anticipation and deep, deep gratitude.