M stands for melancholy

My emotions continue to be at the surface. So close to tears a lot of times. It's not a bad thing and I have always been emotional. I could often feel myself tearing up when I would speak to the faculty about meaningful things or how I felt about them. Still when I think of leaving this band of saints, I get emotional. I get the same way when I think about the kids and the many good parents and friends I have made through school over the seven years. It lets me know that love runs deep and I am actually pleased at having the strong emotional feelings. Love is real. Morning rides in the car are my most vulnerable times. I am tired anyway and I probably over-think, over-dramatize things at that early hour. Melancholy is my middle name.

I can't seem to shake the warning I received early on in my discernment. "Stay away from anything heroic. It is always ego." Damn it! I keep coming back to that and am haunted by trying to separate doing what I feel called to do and what can obviously be called "ego". As a young man, and probably still now, I gained energy from creating something, or building something. A program, a process, a faculty, an award, a speech, a performance.........all these things have the possibility (especially for me) of reflecting my ego out-of-control. It may also be a "guy thing" wanting to build "my tower". I am told that that is what we often do in the first half of life - "build the tower". Guys have to do it. We long for success, to move up the ladder, strut our stuff. As an older man, I hope I am beginning to not need to build the tower and in fact plan on "jumping off that tower" hoping that God will catch me. But . . . . I see a lot of ego involved - even now. Some friends jokingly refer to me as "Fr. Teresa" and I have yet to even leave Burlington. Actually, that helps me laugh at myself and not take things too seriously. God knows me better than I know myself and will have to decipher my motives when I can't.