A Mother's Love

What a great weekend. Once again, a snowy Sunday morning. For some reason, the snow both energizes me and calms me. It was a great early morning suprise this Sunday.

I was able to visit my mom on Saturday. She was recently disappointed at her volunteer job and I wanted to spend some time with her. She is learning, what we all must learn, the difficulty in letting go and giving up activities that must change with our age. She is able to relinquish control with such faith and grace. So I went to be with her but what she gave me was so much more on this special Saturday morning. As I was getting ready to leave she told me -

"Eddie, if the Lord is calling you to leave the country, to go and work somewhere other than around here, you must listen and follow. How terrible would it be if the Lord were to call you to another country and you say 'no' because you are worried about me. I will die alone whether you are here or not."

My mom is a wise person and knows the things we all need to learn - but we fight. What a gift she has given her son in freeing me. What courage and faith it must take to be able to say that to me - and wherever I end up, I will be forever grateful for the gift already given to me.

And so we reminded each other "Peter began to say to him, "Look, we have left everything and followed you." Jesus said, "Truly I tell you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news, who will not receive a hundred-fold now in this age -- houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields with persecutions -- and in the age to come - eternal life."

I remain so very grateful.

Everything is grace

Well, as expected, things become more difficult in leaving my job. The decision is the right one (I am confident) but my only hesitation and sadness is in leaving good people and great kids. It hits me every now and then - in moments I don't expect. I try to rest in the fact that if God has a plan for me, there must also be a plan for this great place. It is truly my only concern at this point. I know that things will go on - bigger and better - but I am also aware of the amount of work it will take on the part of those who remain here at work. I sometimes feel like I am abandoning those closest to me. I have always seen my primary job as working to make sure that others are free to "do their job" and not be bogged down with details and all the other minutia. Sometimes that works better than others. Prayer is so necessary for me these days - like no other time. I can honestly say that I look forward to the quiet, prayerful minutes I can find throughout the day. I hope that this excitement and longing lasts. Still no word on what I will be doing. I keep putting out the "feelers" to places, people and organizations. I know the right place will come. I am grateful for the grace given to be so confident.

In the flow

A little snow changes everything. Churches shut down, meteorologists get geared up, traffic comes to a stop and the world becomes a peaceful place, until you try to drive. It was a beautiful early morning with heavy snow before dawn. Now if the timing had been better, I may have had a day off on Monday!

I had a great dinner with friends last night. I continue to be grateful for good, good people surrounding me and believing in me. I hope I can return the favor. We had some good food and drink - laughed and talked about our lives. We have always said that we are all about relationships and these friends of mine are the best. They free you to be your best, call me to more and understand me like few do. They also trust my discernment and have truly been a great sounding board. It is sure freeing!

Relationships - I believe God is a relationship - Father, Son and Spirit with a neverending source of love flowing in, around, and between. I need to get in that flow and try to stay there.

If you have two coats . . .

The week flew by. Yeah, I know it was a 4 day week, but I am still grateful for the weekend. I have some work to do for next week but have begun trying to thin out the STUFF at home - closets and drawers. Somewhere I read that if you have two coats, one of them belongs to the poor. Well, I certainly have more than two of many, many things. Room by room, closet by closet - I have stuff I haven't looked at in years. Don't even ask about the garage and basement STUFF.

Some more connections (possibilities) were brought to me again today - some local, some a good distance away. There is talk that Franciscans International is considering opening an office in Thailand. I am also scheduled to talk with Andrew about Kenya. All of these bigger possibilities remind me of a warning I received early on "Avoid the heroic, it is usually ego". It is difficult to figure out what is me "building my tower" and what is me trying to be faithful to the Gospel. I am not sure that I have ever done anything without ulterior motives. If I started thinking about it, I wouldn't do anything. I guess I need to give that away too!

It is not false humility to say that the decisions I am trying to make are not courageous. They may look like it on the outside but I think that courageous acts are made by people who, while being afraid, stepped out and triumphed over their fear. I haven't had the experience of fear in all of these months and with all of these decisions. Another gift eh?

I am so fortunate

I am amazed at the goodness of people. Once I tell people the desires of my heart, they have - to a person - been supportive and so happy for me. That is a great gift. They are sometimes sad that I will be leaving, sometime their children are sad (me too) yet they are so happy for me. How great is that! There have been some wonderful "by-products" coming from my decision. Some people, I've noticed, have become more tolerant, more patient and have, as I said, been so kind. They recognize how fortunate I am to have this time and this freedom. And so I continue to watch and wait. I know I have so many people praying for me, that God guides me and is close to me. WOW!

My mom is working for me. She has had some contacts with people as well and tells them what I am wanting to do. She is amazing - at 85 years old. She has more energy than I have, line dancing two days a week, working one day a week with hospital patients. Amazing.

It is difficult to explain this graced time. It has happened rarely in my life when I can get out of the way long enough to allow God to enter. It makes me want to live this way always, recognizing God's presence in me, in you. Crazy talk but it is making more and more sense to me.

Road To Life

"At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like a president; I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn’t know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring but predictable…it was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, “Pedal!”

I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure, and when I’d say, “I’m scared,” He’d lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey, my Lord’s and mine.

And we were off again. He said “Give the gifts away; they’re extra baggage, too much weight” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jumps to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I am beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful, constant companion, Christ.

And when I’m sure I just can’t do anymore, He just smiles and says, 'Pedal.' "

-Author Unknown

God is not OUT THERE.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an early person, up early before the sunrises. It has always been the best time of day for me, most productive and allows me to feel close to God for some reason. It's almost like no one but me and God would be awake at such an hour. Even when I don't have to work, my inner clock wakes me up. These last months I have been able to pray or read at that time and I am grateful for an empty church at work in which to be quiet and just listen. That is probably the most difficult thing to do - to get out of the way. When I am not able to spend that time - I miss it. This is yet another sign and grace that something deep is happening within and to me. I've been told to just wait and watch for the opening door. It will always happen. I have put out some feelers regarding a place to be - starting in the summer. So far - no news. I am looking to larger organizations that have a history of missionary work. Camboni, Maryknoll, Franciscans come to mind. My mom is relieved that I will not be walking the streets handing out sandwiches to the poor. One of the projects I need to get moving on is selling the condo. What a pain. There is nothing in me that regrets leaving it, although it is in a beautiful spot. What I am fighting is the work it will take to get it ready. Maybe a yard sale, maybe just a big dumpster. It amazes me how much one can accumulate in such a short time. I also need to deal with the car and the lease I have - which will be up soon. What to do?

I have been reading Ashley Barker's book - Surrender All. Like Shane, Ashley has taken his family and the call to follow Jesus seriously. He moved from New Zealand to Thailand and is working with the poorest of the poor in the slums there. All of these books inspire me but am not sure what to do with the inspiration but to continue to wait and watch.

What in the world am I doing?

It has been a crazy ride for the past few months. It is mid January and I have made the irrational decision to leave my great job in education to somehow connect with the poor and those struggling to live a meaningful life. It is awesomely exciting but not at all scarey. Perhaps that will come but certainly not now and for that I am grateful. Beginning in the summer of 2006, Chris and I traveled all over Italy and parts of Switzerland (Chris thinks it was Sweden) and it was during that time that maybe God found an opening. Funny how nature can do that. Shortly after our return I read a book - The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborn (read at your own risk) While I sipped Starbucks I read about following Jesus in a real way. Things came alive and I woke up. I read and read and began to talk to some key people to prove to myself that I was not crazy. Thanks Erik, RR, Kathleen, Kathy, Becky, Chris, Bob, Gareth, my kids and everyone else who would listen. Five days in New Mexico helped to solidify my desire and so I made the break and told the folks at work that I would be leaving - but I have nowhere to go. I am looking at local and global connections. Everything is on the table. Anyone want to buy a cool condo - cheap. I have about 4 months to figure out where I can work before the paychecks stop. But still - no fear. "The opposite of faith is not doubt, it's fear." And so I try to stick with faith. TBC