Kenya is beautiful this time of year.

A Kenya visit is becoming more and more a reality. I am hoping to fly to the UK on the 26th of March, arriving in London on the 27th. Then it is on to Nairobi, getting in on the morning of the 28th. Sr. Mary Owens, Director of Nyumbani, was hoping to be able to meet with me on the 28th and it looks like it might work out. She and staff members have promised to help me discern this step and whether Nyumbani is the place for me to begin this phase of my life. The opportunity seems to be just what I wanted - to become involved in AIDS orphanage work, in close proximity to the poorest of the poor in the Nairobi slums. The commitment is in three month chunks, again a good way to see if this is where I am supposed to be. The possibilities are endless and all appealing to me. My prayer continues to be that God guides me and uses me - in whatever way might bring more fullness to the lives of those who do not know joy.

So now the work begins to make arrangements in Nairobi and get the dreaded shots. In all, God remains faithful and close to me in prayer and in the goodness of the people I work with. They have all been supportive and praying on my behalf. All I can say is "thanks."

"If you are the son of God . . . "

So the readings at church told the story. Seems like the problem for me is always doubting the truth. "If you are the son of God . . . " then jump, or turn the rocks to bread or bow down and worship, etc. whatever. I think something is always trying to get me (us) to doubt who we are and for me, that is, to doubt my sonship or my relationship to the Father. If I am a son of God, things would be different. In a way, things are different, because of some wave of grace, I am beginning to believe "whose" I am. If it's really true, then things take on a new meaning, not just for me but for others too. For if I am God's son, Divine DNA etc. then so are the others I come in contact with each and every day. As my friend says, if we are ALL from the same source of Goodness, then it makes it more difficult to sort out the good guys from the bad guys, because the good guys are like me and the bad guys are like me, all possessing the image of God. At times I am afraid to believe it. At other times I want to risk everything in the hope (faith) that it could be true. What else could be Good News?

"If you are the Son of God. . . " He is and I am. . . . and that is changing EVERYTHING.

Some progress

I received a couple of emails from some connected with Nyumbani in Nairobi, Kenya. Sr. Mary Owens, Director of Nyumbani, wrote with some suggestions for visiting. I also got another email from Joe D'Agostino, offering suggestions for getting my visa etc. Both are very helpful and supportive of what I want to do. They must have had experience with others like me, or even better, had the experience themselves when they were called to become involved in Kenya.

I met with a friend to try to plot out flights to go visit Kenya at the end of March - if everything works out. God is faithful.

Nairobi?

I was able to make contact with an orphanage in Nairobi. I really like the place and it seems to be involved in all the things I want to learn about. www.nyumbani.org The orphanage was started by Jesuit priest, Father Angelo D'Agostino. He founded the Nyumbani home for HIV+ abandoned children on September 8, 1992. Sadly, Fr. D'Agostino passed away in November. I was fortunate to get an email from a Nyumbani Board Member and then I received a very kind letter from Fr. D'Agostino's brother. He encouraged me to try to set up a visit to Africa. And so I am looking into the shots, the travel, and the time to visit Nairobi for about a week. It is exciting, although I don't want to get my hopes up.

I was also fortunate to have lunch with Chris and the President of the Cincinnati Health Network, an organization that provides healthcare for the homeless in Greater Cincinnati. They are involved with a number of shelters, clinics and mobile vans providing direct service to the most needy. It was a great lunch and I am grateful for the input. It helps to get an overview of the need and the possibilities.

And so I begin Lent, somewhat excited but knowing there are a lot of opportunities and some decisions to be made. It's all good!

Mercy within mercy within nercy

I am thinking that Lent is to be more important for me this year. I have been waiting and waiting for some direction. Waiting impatiently that is, until I was reminded that God’s time is not my time, as much as I would like to make it so. I guess I want quick answers and have been almost demanding that God answer me . . . and answer me now. I need to step back.

Lent has traditionally been a time when I become more aware of my own brokenness and weakness. I am learning that this “in between time” - this time of insecurity - can be a time when I allow God to be God and rest in Him. It seems that those who have suffered, those who have been humbled by their inadequacies and failings, those who have been “damaged” or hurt - actually have a head start in knowing God in a real way. They have a head start on the spiritual life. So I want to hang with those who know God and have learned to rely totally on God. The people who seem to know God most directly are the poor (in spirit or in possessions) those suffering and those who are uncomplicated in the ways of the world. I want to know what they know and rely on what they are forced to rely on. This, selfishly, has become the reason for my search. Funny though, this is the same desire I had years and years ago, even thirty years ago. It is just that the timing wasn't right. And so I look for a place to plant my life, a place where people live in a flow or power like I have never experienced. I want in on the flow. I hope to give everything away to find it. But, it is a long journey to become small, vulnerable, and weak. I have relied on myself and the culture for so long.

The Voice of God is heard in Paradise: "What was vile has become precious. What is now precious was never vile. I have always known the vile as precious: for what is vile I know not at all. What was cruel has become merciful. What is now merciful was never cruel. I have always overshadowed Jonas with My mercy, and cruelty I know not at all. Have you had sight of Me, Jonas My child? Mercy within mercy within mercy. I have forgiven the universe without end, because I have never known sin. What was poor has become infinite. What is infinite was never poor. I have always known poverty as infinite: riches I love not at all. Prisons within prisons within prisons. Do not lay up for yourselves ecstasies upon earth, where time and space corrupt, where the minutes break in and steal. No more lay hold on time, Jonas, My son, lest the rivers bear you away. What was fragile has become powerful. I loved what was most frail. I looked upon what was nothing. I touched what was without substance, and within what was not, I am.” Merton

And so I sit for forty days, before my God who ALWAYS creates something out of nothing. I pray to my God for forty days, who brings life out of what seems like death. I "know" that if there is no death, if there is no suffering, there can be no resurrection. And so I wait - but wait with anticipation and deep, deep gratitude.

Contacts

A couple of days at home dealing with the ice and snow allowed for some sifting through stuff to get the condo ready to put on the market. I made a timeline of how, in a perfect world, things would play out - when I need to have the condo ready, when I would hope for its sale, etc. all before the paychecks stop. I was also able to shoot off a few emails to some contacts. I emailed my friend from the Marianist Community. The order does mission work in Kenya, Malawi and Zambia. He promises to get back to me with some contacts.

I also wrote to Ted & Mona Lewis, who are returning from Solwezi, Zambia. They arrived in Zambia in September 2005. They moved there after selling their home in Richwood KY!! The Diocese of Solwezi has a poverty level of 89% and serves over 800,000 people. The Church has a presence throughout the Diocese in many areas. Key areas of interest are: women’s roles, HIV/Aids home base care and orphan education, youth behavior, communication, and agriculture assistance. Ted and Mona assisted in evaluating, monitoring, developing and promoting these various programs. They were drawn to CRS (Catholic Relief Services) because it is faith based; grounded in the gospel teachings of Jesus Christ. They were also drawn to CRS because of the dedication to the poorest of the poor through development programs that are ongoing. Ted wrote me today to let me know they were headed home via two weeks in Kenya. He promises to write more when things settle a little. Here is their Blog.

So - things are happening. I continue to look for the open door.

"the echo of our emotional noise"

A friend asked me about my prayer life lately. Do I say rote prayers; try to sit in contemplation or meditate? I guess I have commented recently that I feel drawn to prayer and look forward to the times alone with “God alone.” I have to say that my ideas about prayer have changed over the years. My definition use to be “Prayer is that which softens my heart so that conversion can happen.” That remains true. My being more present to the liturgy and formalized prayer has increased but honestly I am most drawn to those silent times in the mornings. At those times I merely sit and wait, be, let go, allow. Rather than tell God what God already knows, I have been able to let go of some of my negativity, my worry, my “unlove”. I have been able to forgive. I am enjoying soaking up my sonship. I soak up God’s love for me (and all of creation) somewhat like I am able to breath in oxygen. I try to exhale the negative parts of me that can’t rely on God. I inhale God’s total compassion, love (which IS God), God’s peace. I suspect God wants to give me these things constantly but it is only when I can quiet down and allow God to love me and flow through me - that I can receive. I am hoping that the more I am able to be that conduit, the more it will become part of my daily life so that I can “pray” constantly.

“God is found when He is sought and when He is no longer sought, He escapes us. He is heard only when we hope to hear Him and if, thinking our hope to be fulfilled, we cease to listen, He ceases to speak, His silence ceases to be vivid and becomes dead, even though we recharge it with the echo of our own emotional noise.”

“Let me seek then, the gift of silence, and poverty and solitude, where everything I touch is turned to prayer; where the sky is my prayer, the wind in the trees is my prayer, for God is all in all.” Merton – Thoughts in Solitude

The Oprah Connection (no, not her school)

Cincinnati shuts down with a dusting of snow. So you can imagine the terror 5 or 6 inches reigned down on the Greater Cincinnati area yesterday and last night. But to almost everyone's agreement, a snow day was welcomed and celebrated. It gave me the chance for some solitude, some reading and continuation of going through drawers and closets. "I don't need that. I don't need that." There was a sort of dying involved, in a weird way. Sound depressing? It isn't at all, just freeing and maybe cleansing to get rid of more junk.

The day at home also allowed me to take advantage of a three day free trial membership to xmradio so that I could hear an interview of my friend on Oprah's new radio station. My friend and teacher Richard Rohr was interviewed by Dr. Oz. Dr. Oz is a regular on Oprah's TV show as well as her radio station. Richard did great and was given a good deal of time and latitude to answer some decent questions. Dr. Oz and his wife have been followers of Richard for quite some time. It was amazing to imagine Richard being heard by commuters in NYC, on the east coast and across the nation, although his tapes and conferences are found worldwide now. The interview was aired during the coveted "drive time" 7:00 a.m. (and repeated a number of times nationally throughout the day.) I was fortunate to spend some days with Richard around New Years in New Mexico - discerning my next move.

Still no decisions on where to land next year - but should have some concrete leads in the next few days from Franciscans International. I am excited about the Franciscan possibilties as well as those here locally. We shall see.

So tell me WHY again?

Maybe it’s a question people have of me or maybe it is my own question that I need to keep trying to answer to convince myself that my path is true. Why am I leaving and exploring a career change as radical as I am proposing? Well, it all began as a gentle prompting and without me having much ability to explain. It began as a feeling, a desire, a question that blossomed into a longing. When I first considered following, what I considered to be a Gospel call to work among the poor, I felt that my motives were selfish and self-serving. I had always felt (and still do) that I can see the face of the invisible God in the face of the poor. I often quoted and longed for the reality of Mother Teresa’s quote of “Finding Jesus in the distressing disguise of the poor.” As a teacher, I even taught that line to my grade school classes back 25 years ago as we would work soup kitchens or at Tender Mercies. I have seen these past 6 months as a quest to learn about Jesus, to actually try to follow Him, as opposed to simply knowing about Him. He is becoming my strategy, my teacher, my brother and The Way.

Selfishly I have prayed for another to take this journey with me, a brother or sister to accompany me – since Jesus’ pattern was to send the disciples out two by two. Francis had his brothers. But so far – no partners. I am beginning to think that Jesus will be my companion, and again, my teacher. As my friend Richard says, “You have to get the WHO right.” I know the WHAT. I have been taught the WHAT since I was a little boy, and the WHAT continues to be preached. I know the stuff that Jesus did, even what His followers were called to do. I just haven’t done it and I don’t know how. I blame myself, I blame the culture and I blame the church for keeping the journey and the Way so black and white. You can’t fall in love with rules, with commandments, with a catechism. I have taken these as a substitute for the WHO. You can’t fall in love with the WHAT, only with Jesus, who has fallen for me first. This must have been the experience of the early disciples. Why else would they give up everything, sell everything to follow Jesus? I want that. I want Jesus. Jesus keeps pointing us to His Father, hanging with the poor, the marginalized, the little ones. I want to follow Him, but apparently there is a prerequisite before you can see Him:

The young man said to him, “I have wholeheartedly obeyed all these laws. What do I still lack?” "Jesus, looking upon him, loved him," and said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me."

I want to try.

South Africa?

I got some positive emails from some friends of mine who are on the lookout for good places for me to land and begin a new career. Richard and John have some Franciscan connections for me to explore in Johannesburg. Gareth is looking in South Africa as well. A Sister of Notre Dame wrote to me inviting me to investigate the SNDs International Missions in Lima or Nairobi. She saw the news article and had worked with my daughter when she was involved in AmeriCorps after college. I have also been hearing frequently from a good Episcopal priest friend in NYC who has South African connections, even Bishop Desmond Tutu. Thanks Steve. There are quite a few local contacts to explore as well. It is an exciting time and I am grateful for everyone's concern and help. There is no shortage of locations in which to plant myself!

You may want to check out Gareth's blog. He is a friend I made in New Mexico and I continue to be impressed by his wisdom - at such a young age.

I wasn't prepared for the emotional moments at my work. I was told that they would be coming but I was surprised all the same. I am moved by the sweetness of people and often find tears so close to the surface. It is not a bad thing - understandable - but maybe just a little embarrassing when they show up at inopportune times. I am so happy for the weekend - catch up on some work and take some of these connections to heart and to prayer.