to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God

What a difference a couple of days make. Suddenly I have no response when someone asks "What do you do?" or "Where do you work?" It is a different feeling today than yesterday. Not only is there the financial stuff that comes with joblessness but there is an ego shift in not having a job to help define me. I took a lot of pride in what I did - and with that pride, a lot of ego. In the first half of life, we work and build our "tower", especially men I think. We take genuine pride in our work, providing for our families, doing a good job. All of these things are necessary and I believe a mature step in our development. In the second half of life, at least for me, I find a definite need to let go of those things that have "defined" me and have fed my ego. I am grateful for the opportunity to go on this journey and know that many would like to be able to do the same thing. It just seems that the timing is right for me. I am not forgetting that is because of many of you (friends and family), that I am able to think about journeying like this at all!

In the movie (I have mentioned before and encouraged you NOT to rent) Fight Club, Tyler Durden's dialogue goes something like this:

"You are not your job. You are not the money in your bank account. You are not the car you drive. You are not how much money is in your wallet. You are not your @#$! khakis. "

"The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you've lost everything that you are free to do anything. " (Didn't St. Francis say this too!)

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time! "

So, again - don't rent the movie. It will offend you and make you wonder about me!! But some of the dialogue really hits home for me. The things I do, the things I own, define(d) me. It is my hope, as a by-product of this adventure, that I will be redefined, reborn in a way. If I can get to place, as much as one can, where I have to rely on God for my daily bread, for my safety, for my identity, I will be so grateful and, I believe, very happy. But, as we all know, there is pain with any birth or rebirth. There is no Resurrection without death, no room for the Spirit if there has not been a clearing of space in which the Spirit can reside. Everything is passing away, everything dies. "Even the sun dies" I rejoice in this opportunity and am happy to be a part of this ancient pattern and mystery. If the Trinity is "a dance" which I believe the Trinity is, then I want to enter that dance and be taken away in the flow of life and love that is available to us all.

A friend sent me this quote that was reprinted in Shane's book "The Irresistable Revolution" I like it a lot.

What is, therefore, our task today? Shall I answer: “Faith, hope and love”? That sounds beautiful. But I would say - courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature…we lack a holy rage - the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth…a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God’s earth, and the destruction of God’s world. To rage when little children must die of hunger when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many, and against the madness of militaries. To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death and the strategy of destruction peace. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God.

Source: Danish pastor killed by the Gestapo in 1944, via The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

Update

My departure date is set for September 4th. I fly to London (thanks Mark) and leave for Nairobi the following day via British Air. My return flights are set for March 5th - assuming all goes well. Nyumbani is agreeable and will send a car for me in September! I can't wait. My sons are coming soon to take some of the downstairs furniture and my daughter will take some of the upstairs stuff. That helps a lot. Still praying for sale of the condo.

I found a PDF file that explains a little more about activities in the Nyumbani Village in Kitui. If you get time - check out NYUMBANI VILLAGE. It is about 17 pages and has some newspaper articles attached.

I have been reading more. Fred gave me a book - Peace Pilgrim - which has been great for me. I am also getting through Ron Rolheiser's Holy Longing and have started trying to follow a more structured regiment of morning and evening prayer using The Glenstal Book of Benedictine Prayer (Thanks J!). All of these have been great for me and help fill in the absence of Cable TV!

Great Days

And so the days at work are winding down. I go in less frequently and don't stay as long. Quite frankly, there isn't that much to do. Any decisions to be made are now out of my hands. There is a sense of relief in that and these days have been nothing but stress free. I do feel a bit as though I am abandoning ship but I know that the place is in good hands and it is now left to others to carry on and move things forward. That gives me great hope and satisfaction.


Speaking of cutting ties - I cut the cable and have no more TV - at least no more TV which I can see clearly! Another expense I can't afford don't need. I have books given me as gifts or which I bought and haven't read. Now is the time. I went through things again, clothes, junk. It is amazing how I am getting freer to pitch things, that two months ago I decided to hold on to. Everything is whittling down to some plastic bins. The kids are all moving to new places and can take the furniture etc. The other stuff may go at a yard sale down the line or store some at mom's.


I also got my last shot. This one is the second in a series of three for Hepatitis A and B. That is about it. The only thing left would be to start taking pills for malaria a couple of weeks before I go. I am looking into new health insurance. I am old enough for AARP! I also need to looking into travelers insurance since AARP doesn't go international.



The school opened in Kitui and I wrote to Jeremy Hunt, a Member of Parliament in the UK. His foundation, Hotcourses, was instrumental in getting the school in Kitui operational. He wrote a kind email back and I look forward to meeting him on one of his many visits to Kitui and the new school. It amazes me how small the world is becoming. So many connections are able to be made world-wide. I remain grateful.

I am also still looking into a Blackberry - if I can afford it. This would enable me to email home. The only issue remains recharging. We shall see.

Carry Me On My Way

I wish you could meet Fred. As most of you know, I am an only child, spoiled rotten by beautiful parents who loved me well. Fred (and John) were the brothers I never had. John died too soon on Loveland Bike Trail, some years ago. So Fred and I are the only ones left of the "brothers". The picture to the left shows John, Fred and one of our Monk friends - taken so many years ago at Gethsemani.

Fred, of all, knows me, understands me and helped to get me where I am today. He and I used to talk about the Gospel, living a simple life for and with the poor, talked about living downtown, walking the streets and being Jesus for those we met and seeing Jesus in their faces. That was probably twenty-five years ago! We watched our children grow from infants to young adults. We traveled the country together, playing music, talking about God and our shared life in community. Many years ago, he and I went to Gethsemani. Late one night, while staying in Merton's Hermitage, we read out loud, Merton's poem for his brother - who died in the war.

For My Brother, Reported Missing in Action, 1943

Sweet brother, if I do not sleep

My eyes are flowers for your tomb;
And if I cannot eat my bread,
My fasts shall live like willows where you died.
If in the heat I find no water for my thirst,
My thirst shall turn to springs for you, poor traveler.
Where, in what desolate and smoky country,
Lies your poor body, lost and dead?
And in what landscape of disaster
Has your unhappy spirit lost its road?
Come, in my labor find a resting place
And in my sorrows lay your head,
Or rather take my life and blood
And buy yourself a better bed --
Or take my breath and take my death
And buy yourself a better rest.
When all the men of war are shot
And flags have fallen into dust,
Your cross and mine shall tell men still
Christ died on each, for both of us.
For in the wreckage of your April Christ lies slain,
And Christ weeps in the ruins of my spring;
The money of Whose tears shall fall
Into your weak and friendless hand,
And buy you back to your own land:
The silence of Whose tears shall fall
Like bells upon your alien tomb.
Hear them and come: they call you home.

Fred's own brother had died accidentally many years ago so you can understand the special meaning of this poem. We placed a copy of the poem with John at his funeral, along with selected items from Merton's Hermitage we had saved. I remember those times at Mertons Hermitage in Gethsemani, sipping Makers Mark from tin camping cups and we even heisted some "holy ground" to bring home from our visit.

So I tell you all this to let you know that Fred came over for dinner the other night - my good brother who taught me and walked with me. He brought with him the two tin cups for Makers Mark. He brought some "holy ground" from Merton's place which we placed on the St. Joseph statue in the yard - trying to sell the damn condo. He brought a James Taylor song and book. He remembered! His visit brings everything full circle in a way. I am convinced that my brother is not only a gift from God - he is the presence of God.

Things are falling into place. Those whom I loved in the past are coming together with those in my life now. I am left with only gratitude and humility.

Here is the James Taylor song Fred brought:

I forget what to ask for

There isn't anything I haven`t been given
How could I wish for anything more

As I am here living in heaven

This moment in the sun

To feel the wheel turning on

Carry me on my way

Carry me on my way

Carry me on my way

Carry me on my way

I worry about my actions

I think about the damage I do

I've seen the coming attractions

Armageddon and Waterloo

I tried to change my mind

I wasted precious time

Who knows where the time goes

Only everything is everything

Feels like I`m wearing my father`s clothes

Singing a song my brother would sing

I turned to hide my face

They`re gone without a trace

Primary School Opens in Kitui

I am investigating communication methods that could be used to contact the states from Kitui. There is apparently cell access but I am discovering that the service is costly (when purchased via a U.S. provider.) It is recommended that I get a cheap phone and prepay minutes once I am in Nairobi. I am also looking at the possibility of a Blackberry, although there is still a hefty fee. This would allow me to email and surf the net via cell phone - when I can get a charge. No electricity remains a new issue for me.

The opening of the Hotcourses Primary School was held at the Nyumbani Village, Kitui, on Monday May 7th 2007. Primary School was held at the Nyumbani Village, Kitui, on Monday May 7th 2007. The chaplain and community members gave the school their blessing, whilst 51 children assembled in their classes from Standard 1 to 4. Not wanting to be left out, the 3 1/2 year olds presented themselves for school too so an impromptu nursery class was created on the spot! The school was built from bricks made by the community members and it will be run by the 5 teachers employed so far. The school is expected to grow rapidly as the village takes in more children daily. I was able to visit the buildings in March - mere shells - so they have come a long way!

A link to Hotcourses Foundation and more information regarding the school and its funding can be found here. Or look at LATEST NEWS at http://www.hotcoursesfoundation.org/

A Couple of Articles

Article - Kenya: Stepping into the shoes of Fr. D'Agostino

Nyumbani Spring Newsletter

Most Recent Post Article

Most Recent Enquirer

God Alone

The time at the Abbey of Gethsemani could not have been better. Chris and I took off for Bardstown early Sunday morning. We had a couple hours to talk and laugh and listen to some music, etc. Chris is an easy traveling companion. The plan was to get to the Monastery for mass and prayers, hang out and spend the night in Bardstown, since the guesthouse was filled until September. Gethsemani has always been an oasis for me. I went there as a young man and was even fortunate to spend a couple nights in Merton's Hermitage. On a couple of visits with buddies, we cleaned out the Rock House (shed) across the street and camped out there. I was so much younger then! So Chris and I arrived and after prayers, we put our names in with the guest master, just in case there was a cancellation. We talked to Brother Renee, a monk at the desk, about the best way to get to the Statues. After some incorrect instructions, we made the long haul through the grounds to the woods where there were the statues of the sleeping apostles and Jesus' agony in the garden. We stayed and talked and headed back for the next round of chanting.

We drove back to Bardstown to the motel, ate dinner, rested and then drove back to the monastery for Compline. The Guest master, Brother Christian (really, that's his name!) from Boston, told us we could have rooms but we declined for the night, since we were already checked in at the motel. We would have a place to stay the following night. We are so fortunate!

Throughout the visit, which (because it is unstructured) can be long and even boring, we found time to talk with other retreatants and monks, like Brother Camillas, a monk who entered a year before Merton. He told Merton stories and was quite honest about monastic life. He was in his eighties, hard of hearing and humble. Monday night we were able to sit outside, watch the lightning and talk about life and God. We also had time to visit the church, dark and silent late at night. The night is always holy for me. I slept well, got up for 3:15a.m. Vigils. The next day we hiked up a nearby hill, which gave us a good vantage point to see all around the grounds and nearby farms. Again, we had time to read and write.

I guess I can summarize these blessed days with a Thomas Merton quote:

"Therefore there is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace and my happiness depend: to discover myself in discovering God. If I find Him, I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him.

But although this looks simple, it is in reality immensely difficult. In fact, if I am left to myself it will be utterly impossible. For although I can know something of God's existence and nature by my own reason, there is no human and rational way in which I can arrive at that contact, that possession of Him, which will be the discovery of Who He really is and of Who I am in Him. That is something that no man can ever do alone. Nor can all the men and all the created things in the universe help him in this work.

The only One Who can teach me to find God is God, Himself, Alone. "

With wisdom, power and love

I am sure that the full impact of departing my work will not sink in for a while. The last days were sweet and affirming. I am filled with the generosity of people, the tenderness of my staff and parents and struck by the freedom with which the younger kids give away their love and kindness. The days could not have been better and I am grateful to those who kept to my wishes of ending the year as we always have. In a year filled with some "drama", the last days were appropriate and, I hope, Spirit-filled.

I am trying to set up an account for those who want to communicate with me during my time away and who have expressed wishes to contribute financially to the projects with which I am involved. This blog will be a good place to get the word out - at least until I leave in early September.

Those who know me, know my love for contemplation, prayer and silence. Those who know me well know the dangers I could face in running to the silence and solitude, as a way to avoid the "real" and the messy. I have been toying with the idea of trying to integrate a communal life in Africa with a contemplative life. On prior trips to the monastery, I asked myself if a contemplative lifestyle would be one I was called to. Always, the answer was a firm "Heck no!" I graduated from Xavier long ago with a Theology degree, begging the question - "So you want to be a priest?" Again the answer "Heck no!" I joined an intentional lay community when I was younger because I believed in the gift of community and lived a shared lifestyle for many years. But - there was always that desire to also have a life of structured prayer. The monks live daily with a WORK and PRAY lifestyle. I like that - add to it a strong community and I think I could get use to it. So, what I am thinking - as I learn more about what my situation may be in Kitui, I might try to structure my days more in the tradition of that WORK and PRAY lifestyle. With no electricity in the Village, I am guessing things wrap up when the sun goes down. What an opportunity to pray the sun up and pray the sun down each day. I have hoped for another or someone to share this adventure, so maybe there will be some communal aspect to the life in the Village - either with the residents or the volunteers. Who knows what God has planned.

So . . . I am just in the beginning thoughts of integrating prayer and contemplation in Africa. My friends in New Mexico do it well - at the Center for Action and Contemplation. They have the right idea. Not knowing what I will find when I head to Africa, it is hard to imagine the life and much, I am sure, has to be free-flowing and I need a "play-it-by-ear" mentality. But as we head to Gethsemani for a few days next week, there are some things I can keep in mind. If there is one thing I know for sure - I need a prayer life to keep moving. It is a gift of the Spirit that I could loose if it is not used.

It takes a VILLAGE

I received some more info on life in the Nyumbani Village - 3 hours from Nairobi. Some of the friends I met when I visited Nairobi put together a manual of things one should know before coming to Kitui. Here is a sample:

"The variety of work that needs to be done is endless. There is a lot of manual labour which is performed by the volunteers. Activities in the past have included building chicken coops, beekeeping, dairy farming, picking maize, etc. There is help needed in the school which houses children in standards one to four and with organizing and supervising children's activities. Because of the growing nature of the village it is impossible to predict what each volunteer's specified duties will be, therefore flexibility is needed. Past volunteers have found working in the village to be very rewarding.

There is no electricity and limited running water in the Village. Volunteers typically work from 8am to 5pm Monday to Friday with weekends off.

Accommodations - houses located on the Village property. Each house contains 3-4 rooms, each volunteer has their own room (provided space is available) with a twin bed. Each room has a bathroom with a pit toilet. When running water is available there is a tap located outside of the house which can be used for bathing, washing clothes, etc (but not drinking).

Meals are prepared for the staff and volunteers in the area next to the kitchen. There is limited opportunity to purchase food at local vendors as transportation is very limited and the nearest town is about a three hour walk from the Village. There are also no cooking facilities located in the volunteer cottages. Volunteers must also purchase drinking water before heading up to the Village as there is no suitable drinking water. Volunteers will have the opportunity to purchase any food, water, or supplies in Karen (where Nyumbani Children's Home is located) before they are transported to the Village.

Laundry -hand-wash clothes over the designated washing stations. Volunteers will need to purchase their own laundry detergent before arriving at the Village.

Transport to and from any of the towns near the Village is very limited. Volunteers may ride along with drivers who are running errands but this would need to be arranged with Nicholas Makau, the village manager.

Medical Care - Volunteers are provided with the medical care available here at Nyumbani Village. If you are feeling ill, need a blood sample, or just need to speak to a nurse one can be found at the sick room.

Malaria - is a major concern when working at the Village so all precautions must be taken. You should consult with your doctor about which malaria medication is best suited for you. You must bring a mosquito net and repellent in order to minimize your chances of contracting malaria. If all precautions are taken, contracting malaria should not be a major issue. However, malaria is a serious disease and if you are experiencing symptoms see a nurse and get a blood test performed immediately.

Communications - There is no access to computers or email at the Village and the best way to stay in touch with others is to purchase a cell phone. You can mail letters at the post office but it is very expensive to mail or receive packages. "

So there you have it - things are getting more serious and I couldn't be more excited about getting started. I am trusting that things will move along with the sale of my condo soon. I pray daily for this and ask for your prayers as well.

Enough

Tough week. Things are winding down at work and the emotions sometimes get the better of me. It is more sweet than sad. Even with the emotion connected with moving on and leaving students and staff, parents and all - it is more humbling than anything else. We have tried to keep the focus on closing down the year in the normal way. So far, with a few exceptions, we have succeeded. Four and a half days left with students. The year always ends quickly but this year - even faster. We find ourselves checking things off the list. "Ok - graduation - done." "What's next?" It's really the only way to proceed - just do it.

Three eighth grade students went around to sing "farewell" to some of us - teachers, staff. I can't describe how much it meant to me when they came to my office and sang. I tried to tell them how much it meant yesterday at graduation - but it can't be conveyed with words. I also tried to speak to the eighth graders, the words that had changed my life when I heard them as a young man - "The Good News." I tried to tell them that, especially in their high school years, they would hear a lot of "bad news" - namely that they were not handsome enough, or smart enough. The world would try to tell them they weren't athletic enough, not pretty enough or tall enough. Whatever. I told the eighth grade class that those are all lies and they needed to listen to me (to us). The Good News is that "they are ENOUGH" and that they are loved unconditionally, and forever. What else could be Good News? This morning I tried to tell myself the same thing. I am enough. Hopefully I/we have been given all the gifts I need to do whatever in the world I am going to do. Where I am not enough, I hope to be in touch with the One powerful enough, my All in All.

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to heading to the Monastery at Gethsemani for a few days. I long for quiet and space. Chris is going with me. He's quiet. . . most of the time! The Monastery has been just that - a cloister, a place away from noise and distractions where I can experience "God Alone".

Alone in God
My soul waits, silent.
My help is from Him.
Alone in God
rest, my soul, in silence.
My hope is from Him.
He alone is my rock, my safety;
I shall not be shaken. PS 62, V2